my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
