My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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