Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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