Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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