I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
