John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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