I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Welp...herpes.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
