I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
