It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
