I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
