so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
