I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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