dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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