the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
