he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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