He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
