I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
