She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
being pregnant is like rehab
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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