I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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