this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
