If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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