I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
