well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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