These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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