Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
and you fell through a lawn chair
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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