i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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