The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
