You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
