I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
