Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
