Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize