Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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