i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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