what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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