Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
