Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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