How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
