my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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