Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
