Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
