The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
how do flat chested girls get laid?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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