dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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