Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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