Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
