I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize