I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize