apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Why is your signature on my underwear?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize