i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
