The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
