Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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