In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
