Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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