im drinking this country out of the recession.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
