Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
