did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
