between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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