If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
