I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
