I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
