You just made me feel so damn special
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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