Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
