Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
