Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
