He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
